BAND OR HUA YUE ?????

i am so........... are u there????
i really need u... what u have said 2 me are right...
it is the time to make my decision.............
when i am sad... who is there??? orchestra member...
when i lost myself .... who is there??? orchestra member.... but it's all about the band thing... but they are eager 2 hear me.....
am i a orchestra or a band member??????!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T KNOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE BEEN A BAND MEMBER 4 ALMOST 2 YEARS ....
BUT IS LIKE.... I...............................
i only join the orchestra a couple of day....
but i can communicate with them well .....
and when i was sad they are there 2 hear me....
isn't i prejudice to the band ??????????
every time !!! everything !!!! i hope band member are there to help me .... cheer me up.... or altogether having fun....but that's never HAPPEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I AM DREAMING .... HAHAHA...
but i had done all these in the orchestra ....
IN THE FACT OF WE ONLY RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER 4 ONLY A COUPLE OF DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ASK MY HEART... AM I STILL LOVE THE PCGHS BAND.....
BUT , I COULDN'T ANSWER... but sometime my answer is YES...
i don't why... but if i hate the band i already quit it this year... why i am still staying ?????!!!!!
i cant continue like that in my life.... i still have 3 more years to go ...
YES... I LIKE 2 COMPARE THE BAND AND ORCHESTRA... JUST BECAUSE THESE 2 THING ARE VERY IMPORTANT 2 ME...EXTREMELY IMPORTANT !!!!
1 MORE THING ... I JUST DUNNO WHY ......... I FEEL LIKE THE ORCHESTRA TRUST AND LOVE me compare to the band.... the band like never trusted me.....
i need someone 2 talk with.....

THE SOUND OF NATURE

 

2day go to the band and chinese orchestra..........
haiz.... the sou na is really .....haiz
i really cant handle it.......
first time make me feel so ....................
after that i go to the band at 9 something.....
see xx !!!!!!!!! i have keep my promise........
and i very very very very very very............
keep thinking about the thing that XX told.....
i cant focus on the band practice..............
then i went away to somewhere..................
and i let all the thing in my heart out........
it was very comfortable........................
but i still thinking about that thing..........
why ???????????? why???????????????????????????
everyone force me to make my decision ?????!!!!
i .............................................
can u all STOP all of this ....................
GIVE ME A PLACE TO ALIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONT MAKE ME SUFFER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is good.....................................
when the decision haven make ..................
and i dun want to know what decision...........
i am gonna to make.............................
2day xx got come......................
feel so happy..................................
cause we finally see she ...... again..........
and when she is here i wont have the feeling
of alone even i am alone.......................
she make me feel i am in the band..............
really thx to u XX.............................
she will realise what i blow when i blow.......
not as same as ................................
nobody will care about me the bass clarinet....
i blow or din blow.............................
they also din realise..........................
i die or what they also dunno..................
but just 4 2day................................
i cant saw her......... again..................
haiz....... and the feeling of alone will
torture me again...............................
all the senior that care about me have
gone all......................................

2DAY BACK TO MY PRIMARY SCHOOL...
SAW MANY OF MY OLD FRIEND.....
WE ARE SO SHY.... HAHA...
EVERYONE HAD CHANGE A LOTS....
THE THING THAT MAKE ME HAPPY IS I FINALLY BACK TO MY BAND AGAIN...
I CANT STOP GREETING WITH MY TEACHER...
THEY REALLY IMPROVE A LOT... I AM SO PLEASE....
THE BAND THAT I TEACH IMPROVE TILL SO MANY.....
HAHA... IT IS GOOD WHEN I BACK 2 MY LOVELY PRIMARY SCHOOL AGAIN...
I REALLY LOVE AND APPRECIATE MY PRIMARY SCHOOL..
AND I LOVE MY TEACHER SO MUCH...
AND 2DAY HAVE BAND PRACTICE.....
HAIZ... I HAVE NOTHING 2 SAY ABOUT BAND ANYMORE...
AND.... PLEASE.......... PLS...................
DON'T FORCE ME 2 ANSWER THAT QUESTION....
PLS............PLSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NEVER ANSWER THAT QUESTION !!!!!!!!!!

保 护 自 己

我 要 学 习 如 何 保 护 自 己。。。
我 不 想 自 己 受 到任 何 的 伤 害 了。。。
XX 说 得 有 道 理。。。 我 不 可 以 再 这 样 下 去 了。。。
我 要 保 护 好 自 己。。。。
我 不 要 在 管 任 何 一 个 人 的 感 受 了。。。
也 不 会 理 会 这 样 多 了。。。
不 然 受 伤 害 的 是 自 己。。。。
我 真 的 要 学 会 如 何 保 护 自 己 了。。。
别 人 比 我 狡 猾 我 得 比 她 狡 猾 一 百 倍。。。
我 不 可 以 再 这 样 单 纯 了。。。
必 须 有 邪 恶 的 心。。。
这 样 就 不 会 被 人 欺 负 了。。。。
而 且 最 重 要 的 是 我 要 相 信 我 自 己。。。
我 现 在 不 能

 

FINALLY... FINALLY...FINALLY....
I SAY OUT MY FEELING THAT KEEP IN MY HEART LONG LONG TIME AGO...
I JUST DUNNO WHY..I JUST CANT KEEP IN MY HEART ANYMORE...
i ............................................
I JUST TELL ALL THE SECRET IN MY HEART 2 XX...
IT WAS REALLY UPSET WHEN I TOLD IT TO HER.....
IT BRING UP ALL THE SAD MEMORY THAT HAD GO THROUGH ME....
BUT I MANAGE 2 KEPT MY TEARS...
AS U KNOW I AM A CRYBABY.......
AND THX 2 XX VERY MUCH ... 2 BE MY AUDIENCE...
I HOPE U WILL BELIEVE ME....
I MEAN WHAT I JUST SAY...BUT I KNOW U WILL...
THE HAPPY THING IS I FINALLY SAY OUT THE THING THAT MAKE ME SUFFER 4 YEAR...

I AM VERY TIRED.... REALLY REALLY TIRED....HAIZ........
I REALLY GONE INTO THE HEAVEN..........................
I CANT PAY ATTENTION ON MY STUDY AT ALL...............
I CANT HEAR THE TEACHER TEACHING TALKING.............
I DUNNO WHAT AM I DOING..............................
I AM DREAMING.......BUT.............................
I DUNNO WHAT DID I DREAM TOO........................
I AM TOTALLY EXHAUSTED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE MY LIP ......................................
IT ALWAYS PAIN WHEN I WAS BLOWING INSTRUMENT........
I HAVE A SENSITIVE LIP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM JOINING TOO MUCH ACTIVITIES.................
MADE ME TILL SO EXHAUSTED ..........................
2MR HAVE BAND PRACTICE.............................
I WILL LATE.......................................
CAUSE NOBODY FETCH ME..............................
SO I AM GOING WITH THE SCHOOL BUS................
HAIZ............................................
IT WILL BE ANOTHER BORING AND TIRING DAY..........
I HAVE ENOUGH PRESSURE IN SCHOOL..................
BUT I HAVE 2 SUFFER AGAIN IN MY HOME.............
HAIZ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CANT U STOP THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DUN FEEL LIKE GOING BACK MY HOME ............\
WHEN THE SCHOOL HOUR IS OVER ...................
MAYBE SOME TIME I AM A BIT NEGATIVE/
BUT ..........................HAIZ
IN SCHOOL........................................
HAVE SADNESS AND PRESSURE........................
AT HOME.........................................
HAVE QUARRELLING..............................
HAIZ......................................
I AM SUFFER..................................
GRANDMOM ...................................
PLS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COME BACK 2 PROTECT UR LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER...
I AM SO MISS U................................
WHEN U ARE THERE............................
EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT..................
OH!!!!!!!!!! GRANDMOM RECEIVE MY LOVE FROM HEAVEN !!!
I MISS U A LOTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM UR LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER...................

 

MY FEELING

i hope that's my world... MY ONLY WORLD

 

WHAT AM I DOING ????????

2day the band practice.......... same word.... BORING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ......... FEEL THAT I CANT FEEL MY "MUSIC" ANYMORE........
I JUST KEEP BLOWING....... BUT MY MUSIC SOUL ALREADY GONE FROM ME ........
I CANT COMMUNICATE 2 MY BASS CLARINET ANYMORE..........
BOTH OF US LOST OUR SOUL....... WE ARE SAD BECAUSE THE 'MUSIC' ARE GONE FROM OUR SOUL.... FIRST TIME I FEEL THAT 'MUSIC' ARE MEANINGLESS 2 ME .......
I LOST THE FEELING OF THE MUSIC WHEN I WAS IN THE BAND PRACTICE...
AND THE SOUL OF THE MUSIC...... WHO ???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
WHO????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WILL BRING THE 'MUSIC' SOUL BACK 2 THE BAND ............
WHERE THAT I CAN FIND MY 'MUSIC' SOUL ???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND WHEN WILL I FIND IT AGAIN ??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ALWAYS ASK MYSELF..... WHAT DID I WANT.....
BUT I ALWAYS DIN HAVE THE ANSWER.............
I KEEP RUN AWAY FROM BAND WHEN I WAS UNHAPPY........
AND GO TO FIND THE ORCHESTRA PEOPLE AND SAY OUT MY FEELING .......
WHEN I AM OK... I BACK TO THE BAND AGAIN.................
WHAT AM I DOING ????????????????????????????????
我 在 利 用 华 乐 来 使 我 开 心 吗 ？？？？？？？？？
一 直 都 在 把 华 乐 的 心 情 带 进 乐 队。。。。。
然 后 骗 自 己 说 在 乐 队 很 开 心........
我 是 在 做 什 么 呢 ？？？？？？？？？？？！！！！！！！！
难 道 我 要 骗 自 己 到 我 毕 业 码？？????
我 难 道 真 的 要 这 样 呆 在 乐 队 吗 ？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？
可 是 我 是 不 会 离 开 乐 队 的。。。。。。。。。
可 是 我 真 的 不 想 这 样 痛 苦 下 去。。。。。。。
唯 一 希 望 的 就 是 我 可 以 换 SECTION。。。。。。
离 开 一 直 以 来 使 我 不 开 心 的 地 方。。。。。
从 新 地 在 乐 队 过 一 个 新 的 生 活。。。。。。

I AM SUFFER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOST MYSELF...

HAIZZZ.....WHO IS ME?????????? WHAT'S MY NAME???? WHERE I COME FROM????? I AM A HUMAN OR A MONSTER????? HAIZ.... I REALLY LOST MYSELF.....LOST MY SOUL.... MY SPIRIT....I JUST LIKE DREAMING IN THE CLASS THE WHOLE DAY..... DUNNO WHAT I AM THINKING, DOING ....OR EVEN I DUNNO WHAT'S MY FRIEND NAME.....HAHA.....WHAT ARE THE TEACHER TEACHING??????? 123 OR ABC?????? WHAT'S THE HELL ARE GOING ON???????????????????????????????? I CANT USE MY MIND TO THINK ..... I JUST LIKE A 1 YEAR OLD CHILD..... I CANT STOP 2 THINK ABOUT BAND ..... AND THE PERSON THAT I RESPECT... I AM GONE.... I REALLY GONE.... TOTALLY LOST MYSELF....... THE WHOLE WORLD LIKE PUTTING ITS WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDER...... WHERE ARE MINE????????????????????????????
MY BODY IS HERE... BUT MY SPIRIT ALREADY FLEW TO THE HEAVEN...I DIN HAVE MY MIND ....MY FEELING.....MY SOUL.... ALL GONE...... NOW...I AM JUST THE SHIT ON THE FLOOR.... LET ALL THE PEOPLE STEP ON ME........ I AM USELESS......STUPID AND CRAZY.....
HAAAAAAAAAA,........ I AM USELESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this photo...

 

2day band practice....
when section time........
it is extremely BORING BORING...
HAIZ... when she section everything go so slow...
haiz... and i like a stupid people standing at the centre of the square...
doing nothing just stepping...haiz...BORING !!!!!!!
and 2day is the first time i going out with clarinetist...
i mean having lunch.... i will happier if she disappear in my sight...haha
at the morning.... have 6 clarinetist...but the end...
only left 3 CLARINETIST...haha...
i keep turning left and right... cause want to teach them...

the day that sad and happy...

wow... 2day is a sad and happy day... haha... swt huh?????
2day have band so go to school early in the morning.... before going 2 band i went 2 traffic marching...haha... saw jin ru... and we start marching but we just like playing...haha... TAN WAN really funny... but she is a good senior ... actually not her nia...others traffic also like that...haha...and they learn so far liao....cause u always din go 2 marching so i know a bit nia....then.... jin ru teach me... haha...i really funny....but all the way in traffic i did enjoy myself...
then,go to the band practice......haiz.... i am back to the boring and lonely life again...i wanted 2 cry that time...but i still manage 2 keep in my heart... haiz...i really miss jes....cause when i dunno something or what she will teach me....at least that time got 1 human talking to me.... and her baritone sax was great enough to help the band... i blow the bass clarinet but just like cant hear me also...and all the solo that have baritone sax and bass clarinet is not good enough cause nobody blow the baritone sax.... haiz...really hope that jes come back and blow it....but it is impossible...IMPOSSIBLE...and MR LIM keep saying no 1 blow the baritone sax....haiz....he love baritone sax more.....and he always forget me....he always do that....kinta hurt me.....and the band is not the band anymore..... too many problem.... not member nia.... all the ppl in the band also got problem....and my problem is not the worst 1...i hear many thing and i know many thing....i very scare that the band will close 1 day..... and that's no PCGHS BAND anymore..... haiz..... i really scare....i hope that day will never arrive.............

 

 

 

THE DAY THAT I HAVE FUN IN SCHOOL

lolxxXX... i am so happy in the school 2day... first time feel that i am enjoy in the class... i think i am recover 95% already... really thanks all the people that helping me before... i think i am happier than before and i din think negative anymore... hope that i will always like that... i love TRAFFIC AND HUA YUE...i am happier and i have more friend when i join the two activities... i totally enjoy in traffic... it is not boring as i think... it is fun and XIN FU...erm ...dunno how 2 say lah.... just feel very xin fu...
2mr has band practice...dunno how 2 face them...haiz...i will very pressure when i go to the band practice...it is some kinta... haizZ...and blow the super boring bass clarinet...haizZ...i really dun want to go...haizZ.....i can't talk and enjoy when band practice...start band practice and i start 2 be negative

wow.... so many thing happen 2day....
first... i go to school at 9am ..... and walk to the lai shen shop...
to play my flute... it is very boring... nobody there...only me and the old man...he give the score that i don't even understand...then,walk to school again....
i saw clarinetist ...they are copying score...and sheh li find my bass clarinet score.... WHAT THE HELL.... it is so boring...i keep screaming that time... haizZZ why she find it lar... i dislike bass clarinet because of this....haiz....
then... i walk around the school and i saw TAN WAN...i follow her to the bilik syarahan...wow... i say i want to blow SOU NA...and she really borrow me... wow...she kinta....haha... then i bring the ugly SOU NA and went to the canteen... saw many HUA YUE friend.... and i have my lunch with them...it is so WEN XIN...i really like the feeling when together with friend....i mean the friend that really undrstand u...
then...TRAFFIC...do the stupid duty kebersihan again... walk on the super corridor searching 4 rubbish... the student all stare at u....~~ kinta.... YEAH~~ the new traffic duty list keluar liao... yeah... finally can change people and place...r\
then go to the stadium... at the big stadium...i blow the SOU NA in front of anybody... they all ear pain when i blow it...haha..but it is really sound terrible...haha....
2day saw again people i hate at the recess time... but i must control myself..i just act like i din see anything...haha...i din see anything...haha... i will be more happier... then ...go to everywhere 2 search the datang lewat student to sign their NAME on to the SAMAN PAPER... haha...then i saw JIN RU... she say she want to accompany me ..them both of us walk around the school...erm... i hope wont do that again... cause i dun want people misunderstood me..... cause i am really NOT a LESBIAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then back 2 class and blow the sou na again.... wow...suddenly i feelhead

the band

 

WAKE UP!!!!!!! TENG!!!!!!

WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONG EE TENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP DREAMING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN U WANT TO WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLS !!!!!!!!!!! PLS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUN EVER HURT YOURSELF AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pain

Pain over here pain over there
Pain in my heart pain in my soul
Pain in my mind
Pain in my skin pain in my bones

Pain being caused left and right
Pain being caused till the heart bleeds red
Pain being caused till the skin and bone rip
Pain being caused till you break into tears

Pain at school
Pain at home
Pain in my head, pain in my heart
Pain in my mind, pain in my soul

Pain happening in my sleep
Pain happening in my thoughts
Pain happening when I’m alone
Pain happening in the shower, in my room, in my bed, in my house where I’m all alone
Pain happening every hour, every minute, every second of my life

Pain caused by anger and hate
Pain caused by hurt
Pain caused by greed
Pain caused by sorrow and depression
Pain caused by grief and confusion

Pain caused by your family and friends
Pain caused by the world
Pain caused by people you love

Pain driving me crazy
Causing me to take pills till it fills up my veins
I go to sleep never to wake up and see that light
The light that will end my pain for good